OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
No regrets in 2018
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’m calling the cops.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.