20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!