*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003