Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.