me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
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Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Don’t touch that.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*