Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
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My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
What
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…