I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
You Might Also Like
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
“OMGJK” -atheists
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”