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According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Software Development ⛵️
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more