*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Morning.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting