What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You Might Also Like
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
This is the one
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
So that’s what we looked like?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.