I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket