If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
another case of gang violins
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The smoothest fall of all time
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Fights fire with marshmallows
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.