I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive