If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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I am having an out of money experience.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Good point.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation