deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee