Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch