*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
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My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then