How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
You Might Also Like
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I want what they have
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”