*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
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“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
superman landing like a plane on his belly