I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?