Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time