Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
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Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.