Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.