The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW