My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.