It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.