Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
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If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.