ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
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ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂