I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
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blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Generation gap…
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Every house has this drawer
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.