British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.