Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.