In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
want me to check your oil?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
me when the borders lift
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
The little toadstool has spoken.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work