Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher