Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me