My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
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The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”