doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.