*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
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“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
accurate
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel