The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
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These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
it was a valiant fight
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does