[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age