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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself