I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.