Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”