Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
United Steaks of America
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”