The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
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THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*