SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
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If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”