Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
The first matador
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks