Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no