’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.