guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Basketball