“I took care of your clown problem.”
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Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.